It’s a fact: other people’s lies make our lives more difficult. They distort and twist the truth, con us into believing things never happened, or took place when they shouldn’t have. There are literally thousands and thousands of ways people’s untruths and falsehoods taint and make living our daily lives more of an effort than it really should be.
So what can we do about it?
How can we put a stop to lies the second we hear them and reveal the real truth, the actual facts, the exact situation?
The answer is natural lie detection – techniques, strategies and knowledge that give a person the rare and invaluable ability to separate the real from the fake and always know what to believe and what to question.
So, what does it consist of? Well, natural lie detection uses no machines, test papers, no video or audio recordings. It is, as the name suggests, a science based on human perception and skill.
It has 3 main components. They are the interpretation and analysis of: body language, psychology, and verbal communication. By having a deep and expert knowledge of all three, you can become capable of spotting 99 out of 100 lies, whether they’re spoken over the phone, in person or even over the internet or via text message. Although learning these special techniques isn’t difficult when you have the time and proper reading material, it does require more space to explain than this short article allows. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t go over one way many liars give themselves away. This collection of principles falls under the body language category of natural lie detection and focuses solely on how a dishonest person uses, or avoids using, their hands when they’re being deceitful. There are 3 main hand-related signals of deceptiveness.
Signal #1: HAND GESTURE FREQUENCY. People use their hands to visually illustrate and emphasise their statements – it’s a way of painting an abstract picture in the air to better help the person or people they’re talking to understand the concepts being covered. When someone lies, however, their mind works differently to how it normally operates. Their thought process is dominated by the act of being dishonest convincingly and they therefore tend to change how they use their hands. The first change you should look for is in how often they gesticulate with their hands while talking. The majority of people, when they lie, lessen the amount of movements they make with their hands because they subconsciously want to restrict the volume of information being given to the person they’re lying to – out of fear of saying too much, either verbally or physically, and getting caught out or questioned. More proficient liars, or people who have rehearsed or planned a lie before telling it, actually tend to increase the frequency of their hand gestures. They’ll slice the air more with the blade of their hand or point their finger and clench their fists more frequently to illustrate and back-up what they’re saying. So, in short, look for a marked difference between the amount of hand gesticulations a person uses when in normal, day-to-day, obviously truthful conversation and when you suspect they may be lying to you or have a good reason to twist or otherwise alter the truth.
Signal #2: HAND-TO-FACE ACTIONS. The second signal you should look out for is an increase in the number of hand-to-face actions a person makes when you think they could be lying. The main reason they touch their faces more often when lying than when telling the truth is because of the internal social pressure they’re feeling, which leaks out in the form of hand-to-face actions. Look for moments when the person momentarily covers their mouth with their hand or fingers. This is a subconscious attempt to stifle themselves and physically block the lie from leaving their lips – they do this to futilely try to block their falsehood from reaching you and thereby decrease the chance of getting caught and lessen their feeling of guilt. However, many people are on some level aware of how mouth covers may be interpreted (as a sign that they’re lying) so instead try to camouflage the action by instead lightly touching their nose (which indirectly covers their mouth with their hand). Another reason many liars touch their noses is because of the increased blood-flow that occurs in its deep tissues, which creates an almost imperceptible tingle that, although not consciously felt and reacted to, causes the liar to unwittingly touch their nose for a moment. So, always keep an eye out for increased hand-to-face actions, especially those that cover a person’s mouth in some way or another.
Signal #3: THE HAND SHRUG. When people don’t know the answer to something or want to convey the messages: “I’m not sure,” or “I don’t care,” they often lift and quickly drop their shoulders in a shrugging motion. A variation of shoulder shrugging is the hand shrug: a quick lifting and dropping of one or both upturned hands. Like shrugging with the shoulders, it’s a way of expressing a type of diminished responsibility in regards to an issue or topic – and that’s why liars tend to overuse the hand shrug while being dishonest. Instead of using it only to accompany words that express a feeling of uncertainty or ambivalence – the way people do when being honest – liars use the hand shrug alongside verbal statements that don’t relate to “not knowing” or “not caring.” They do this subconsciously to distance themselves from the lie they’re telling.
Look for these 3 signs of potential dishonesty whenever you suspect someone might be lying and you’ll be a step closer to becoming a true master of deceit detection – a human lie detector.
Are you hoping to find a girl who you can be in a steady relationship with? This article will go over some of the things you can do that will help your chances with any girl.
1. Talk to as many women as possible, not just girls you're immediately attracted to. This give you good practice in talking to women (especially if you have any anxiety about that) and learning about how girls feel and think, in general. Make it a goal to talk to at least 5 new women a day (in person, any woman, any age, any appearance, any personality).
2. Don't use “canned material”, “nuclear attraction” routines, or other social robotics. The best way to make a connection with someone is to come from the heart and live fully in the moment. What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Socializing is about exchanging energy, not being a wordsmith. When in doubt, just say “Hi”.
3. Put yourself out there. You don't have to hit the bars or the clubs if that's not your scene, but you have to do something that exposes you to new people. Pursue interests and activities that mean a lot to you. The Internet has made this a whole lot easier. Check forums, listings, classifieds, and listservs for local events or meetings that are likely to attract people with similar interests or passions. You can also explore new interests or activities--you might find a new passion and a girlfriend in one fell swoop!
4. Keep an open mind. If you're looking for a girlfriend (that is, someone who will be in a committed relationship with you) you should be more willing to overlook initial shyness and awkwardness so that you can get to know a person over more than one date. Your future girlfriend might be someone who you initially didn't see as "girlfriend material" but as you spend more time with her, you discover more things you like about her and you suddenly find yourself romantically interested.
5. Practice genuinely complimenting girls. Challenge yourself to find something beautiful in any girl. It doesn't have to be something physical; it can be a cute gesture, an admirable trait, a talent or skill. Recognizing and expressing true appreciation for any and every girl will make you more attracted to girls and girls more attracted to you.
6. Flirt. A big part of being charming is knowing how to flirt, and the people who are best at flirting are people who are always in a playful and laid back.
7. Become a good conversationalist. Don't babble on and on about your mother, your cat, or your collection of bugs. A good conversationalist keeps finding things they have in common, and they do it in a casual, non-intrusive way. For example, there's a difference between asking someone "Have you ever held a tarantula?" and saying "Have you ever felt the tiny hairs of a tarantula's legs brush up against the palm of your hand?" The latter is more poetic, but way too intimate for a first conversation for most people.
8. Close the deal. If you like the woman you're talking to, be the one who ends the conversation. This prevents the conversation from lingering into an awkward silence, shows that you're busy (i.e. not needy or desperate), and allows you to end the conversation on a positive note. When you end the conversation, simply say "Hey, I've gotta go, but it's been really good talking to you. Want to continue this over a cup of coffee sometime?" If she says yes, get her phone number and move on. If she says no, just move on. That's all there is to it.
9. When you go on dates with girls, break the touch barrier. If you're terrified of touching someone the wrong way, to the extent that you hesitate and never touch them first, your intentions are good and all, but your "touch paralysis" isn't helping you at all in the romantic department. Take a few little "touch risks". Be playful. Don't just always wait for them to do it first. If they don't like it, they'll definitely let you know. But touching someone communicates to them that you find them attractive, and also that you're reasonably confident. Both of these things can make someone feel more attracted to you.
10. Make her laugh. Girls love guys who have a good sense of humor, and the key to having a good sense of humor is to be lighthearted, and unabashedly yourself. As long as you're not making fun of people in a mean-spirited way, anything goes. Is your sense of humor perverted? Slapstick? Sarcastic? Go with it, and don't worry about whether or not she thinks you're funny because you know what? If she can't laugh with you, then this isn't a girl you want to spend a lot of time with anyway. And who knows? Maybe another girl—one whom you hadn't noticed before—will be laughing so hard that her soda comes out of her nose, and maybe you've just found your soulmate.
11. Help someone. It could be her, or it could be someone else in the room. Is she carrying something heavy? Say "let me help you with that" and carry it for her. Is someone short on cash? Lend them a few dollars so they can eat lunch. Hold the door open for the next person coming through, even if they haven't reached it yet. In other words, be a kind and generous person. Not only will it get her attention, but it will also make you feel good about yourself. Don't be fake and do nice things only when she's around, though. Help people all the time, in a wide variety of ways. She'll notice, and so will the people she knows, and on the occasion that you come up in a conversation, people will say "He's such a great person!" and this girl will start thinking "Yeah...he is, isn't he?"
12. If you find yourself getting lots of girl friends but no girlfriend, avoid the friend zone. The key here is to stop investing time and energy into girls who don't want to be your girlfriend. That may sound cold, but the fact is that you're "tying up" your feelings by maintaining a close friendship with someone who you have feelings for, but who isn't romantically interested in you. It'll be difficult to develop feelings for someone else if your feelings for this person are fueled every time you hang out. Even if you do manage to develop feelings for someone else, your heart might always be torn and confused, and it'll be hard to give your new flame your undivided affection. Sometimes the best thing to do is to take a "friend zone" friendship down to the level of acquaintance so you can focus more on dating.
13. If you find that girls are interested in you and then pull away, stop being needy. You might be scaring women off with your eagerness (which can come off as desperation). Slow down, and avoid the temptation to idealize every girl you like. If you find yourself using or even thinking the word "perfect" then you're probably putting her on a pedestal. Fill your life with so many activities that you're too busy to become infatuated with any one girl.
14. Be patient. Life doesn't normally work on the schedule you envision. Your future girlfriend might cross your path tomorrow or two years from now. A healthy relationship will color your world no matter how old you are, so don't rush into things, or else you might end up forcing the wrong person into the girlfriend role, which will cause pain for everyone involved.
Tips
# Have your own life. Girls don't like guys who have no lives, and who cling to them like plastic wrap. Some girls do like that, but for all the wrong reasons—either they are insecure and needy for attention, or they're control freaks who have a need for dominating guys. Unless you want to sign up for either of those scenarios, make sure your life has no shortage of your own friendships, interest, hobbies and goals.
# Whenever you're in a setting where there are girls around, talk to all of them and choose one you'd like to spend more time with. Make it a habit to try and exchange contact information with at least one girl every time you're around them. If she isn't interested, no big deal, there's always next time. If you go on a few dates and it doesn't turn into a relationship, that's no big deal either. The point is the more you date, the higher your chances of getting a girlfriend.
# Extended, direct eye contact is something lovers usually do. It's something you can do if the person you're talking to is noticeably romantically interested, but even then it's risky because the creep factor is high if you're mistaken. Look someone in the eye while they're talking, but also be sure to pull your gaze away periodically and shift your interest to other things. And check to make sure you don't have a tendency of staring at someone's body (chest, hands, shoes, whatever) even if in admiration or curiosity. In general, you don't want to make someone feel like they're under a microscope.
# Learn to read body language. Whether you notice or not, people are always giving signal as to how they feel about you. If you're able to read these signals, you'll be able to adapt your words and behavior so that you can do more of what a girl likes, or stop wasting time with girls who don't like anything you're saying or doing.
Warnings
# Don't talk about past relationships. This is a no-no and a sure turn-off. You will only project the impression that you are unable to let go. If a girl asks about your last relationship, just tell them that you realized the two of you weren't as compatible as you initially thought, so you have moved on to look for someone with whom to discover greater mutual happiness. Keep it brief and don't ask about their ex.
# Be positive. If you have had a bad day, still greet them with pleasure and a big smile. Don't spend your time with a girl complaining about the traffic, your boss, or your job. If you must whine, whine a little and end that very short whine with a "glad I'm here with you now!" remark.
# It's worth repeating that you should not go on and on about unique hobbies or interests unless the person shares them or asks a lot of questions. If they only ask a few questions, that doesn't necessarily mean they're interested; it probably means they're being polite, so don't dominate the conversation with your enthusiasm. When first meeting someone, it's more important to listen to what they have to say than to talk about yourself.
# One thing that holds many guys back is being scared that she'll misinterpret you. For example, you might not want to help her carry something because you're worried she'll think you're a macho guy, and you're implying that she can't carry it herself. But push the fear aside and think about what you're really doing. You're just helping her because you genuinely want to, and what could possibly be wrong with that? If you're not trying to question her ability in any way, then she's not a very nice girl for assuming that you are, is she? So be bold. If what you're doing comes from the heart, a decent girl will see that.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
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